Potty Training

When your child is around the age of two, you'll find yourself talking to parents of other toddlers about whether their children are potty trained, how long it took, and whether they had any problems. You'll wonder whether it's easier for girls or boys, and whether you're starting too early or too late. You may worry about whether your child is a little behind, or you might feel smug that she's so far ahead. This is all perfectly normal parenting behavior; the irony is, as most parents will confirm, potty training is 10 times easier if you can just relax, take it or leave it, follow your child's lead, and avoid comparing your child with others.

When to potty train

One mistake a lot of parents make is to start potty training too late, or to introduce it too early. How so? Well, they start too late by failing to talk to their child about it until its time to embark on the process itself. Or they start it too early by expecting their child to learn how to use the toilet when he or she is not really ready.

Try not to see potty training as a phase that begins when your child is around 2 years old. View it instead as a whole process that starts much earlier - you should really begin explaining about potties when your child is around the age of one. Nor is the training phase "over" when your child starts to use a potty of her own accord.

Even when your child has successfully used a potty once or twice, continue to encourage her to use it and reward results with interest and praise.

Introducing the idea Buy a potty and leave it in the bathroom long before you expect your child to actually use it; the fact that it's there will remind you to talk about its use. This in turn will get your little one ready for the idea of using it herself. Let her see you using the toilet, too - and, if you have older children and they don't mind, let her accompany them to the bathroom (especially if they still use a potty). As with everything else in the early years, children learn best through imitation. Some children enjoy using small-scale toilet seats, but many feels insecure on these because they can't put their feet on the floor.

When's the right moment?

Some books suggest that you should look for signs that your child might be ready to use the potty at the age of 18 months, but I'd say hold off until at least the age of two. Very few children find potty training easy until they're that age - and why make it hard for yourself? As someone once said, there are two ways to potty train: the easy way and the difficult way - and the difficult way is when your child is not ready.

The two crucial elements in successful potty training are your child's readiness and your state of mind. If you're anxious about it or you're having a busy, stressful time at the moment, it's not going to work. That's because you are going to have to deal with the odd accident or two, and if you react by being bad-tempered and put-out over it, you'll only succeed in setting back your child's attempts.

Don't start potty training if you're under any stress, for example if you're about to have a new baby (or have just had one) or if you're moving, or starting a new job.

Summer is a great time to potty train; the living is easy, and the clothes your child will be wearing are lighter and easier to do without. If your child is playing in the yard, it's as good a place as any to start using the potty. Another advantage is that the sun will dry any extra laundry in no time. My advice is to wait for the good weather if you can.

Preparing for potty training

Once you decide to go for it, stop a moment to think about the kind of clothes your child wears. Will they be easy for you - and her ­to get off and then on again? Buttons are bad news for toddlers trying to be independent on the toilet: zippers can be easier, but elastic waistbands and Velcro are even better.

Helpful tips

There are quite a few gimmicks around to help make potty training easier for parents and their children. Don't get your hopes up, however, because nothing is going to work miracles - patience is your best ally. But if you think your child deserves something to encourage her efforts, consider investing in a book or a video, or even a potty that plays a tune when something lands in the pot.

A book- a video, or a potty that gets your child interested in moving on from diapers is a step in the right direction - with the added advantage of making it all seem like fun!

Introduce a story book or a video about potty training slowly, and don't expect immediate results just because your child has heard or seen the story once! Remember that this is just part of a process. Talk about the characters in the book or video and how they learn to use the potty. Then start suggesting that your child might like to try out the potty too, just like that little girl in the story. Explain to her that she could go to the toilet on her own, loa. Talk about how proud the parents are of the little girl in the book or video, and about how pleased she is with herself.

How to get it right

Try introducing your child to potty training by suggesting that her teddy or doll needs to go to the toilet or potty. This gives your child the feeling that she is in control over what's happening and lets her rehearse what's going to be expected of her in a fun way. Don't expect your child to understand about potties right away, however - the whole picture will only dawn on her slowly.

Be on hand to help

You'll need to help when your child first uses the potty or toilet, but don't do more than necessary. Your child will be more enthusiastic about using the potty if she can do it by herself, so let her. Encourage her independence so that she gets the idea that this is something that she needs to do for herself. After all, she's the one who will need to recognize the signs that she's ready to go to the toilet.

My youngest daughter started off by sitting on the toilet for 30 seconds or so each evening before getting into the tub. She didn't actually use it for a while, but she obviously enjoyed doing something "grown up," and she especially enjoyed using the toilet paper and flushing the chain afterwards.

Don't mock your child's early efforts on the potty if they don't produce anything. It's great that she's just trying it out - so tell her.

If you want, you can suggest that she might like to try using the toilet or potty another time - but really, don't push it. The fact that she's sitting there means she'll get the idea about actually using the potty.

Training Stages

In general, children learn the toilet routine from the end first - they start off by just sitting on the pot or toilet and then flushing it, washing their hands, and so on. Next, they might learn to take off and then pull up their pants again. Actually doing something is usually the very last thing, and for some children it only happens when they feel confident that they've mastered the other stages. So don't push them to get on with producing something - you could set back their very competent efforts and undermine their sense of how well they're doing with the routine as a whole.

If you feel too pressurized and tense at the idea of your child's potty training, YOU'RE the one who probably isn't ready - and the most likely reason for that is that your child isn't either.

Praise, praise, ana no comment

Whatever you do, be prepared to show interest and to praise any reasonable efforts that your child makes to get clothes on and off, sit on the potty, wash hands etc. Don't try to dramatize efforts to get to the toilet by racing off at the mere mention of a need to pee, or announcing it in a loud voice to everyone at dinner. At the end of the day, your child is learning to go to the toilet in the way grown-ups do, and most of us tend not to tell everyone exactly what we're about to do. Also, getting over-excited about it will add to your child's sense of anxiety.

Many parents wonder whether rewards are a good idea when a child is learning to use the potty and toilet. While they can be helpful, it's best to use rewards that aren't candy and chocolates-stickers are a good idea, and are probably better than a chart at the age. Building a collection of colorful stickers can be a good incentive to keep your child persevering in her efforts!

However, other than stickers, rewards are probably not necessary. Most children of potty -training age are excited about becoming independent, and that's their main incentive for wanting to use the potty or toilet.

Your child is inevitably going to have the occasional accident while she's getting used to the potty. When this happens, don't make a big deal of it, however inconvenient and annoying it is. Simply clean up without comment, say "never mind, let's try and do it on the potty next time" and leave it at that.

Don't use trainer pants. Most parents agree that they don't have any place in potty training they give the message that it's okay to go in your pants sometimes, and this is very confusing to a toddler.

Don't keep asking!

Another mistake parents can sometimes make, if they're a bit anxious about potty training, is to ask a child 10 times an hour whether she needs to use the potty. Resist the temptation to do this, however difficult it seems. An occasional reminder is fine, but the important word here is "occasional." If you keep on and on at your child, she'll find it boring and will start saying "no" automatically.

Also, remember that what you're trying to do is teach your child to take control of when she wants to go to the toilet. She needs to start noticing when the time is right, not you, and she should make the decision for herself.

Dealing with problems

Having said potty training can be a breeze if you choose the right time, you should have already guessed that - like so much else to do with parenting - it certainly isn't always easy.

Don't be afraid to put it on hold

No sensible parent is going to expect potty training to be easy, but it certainly shouldn't be a total pain. If your child wets her pants once or twice a day in the early days, you may decide to persevere. If, on the other hand, she soaks every pair you put her into and only once or twice seems remotely interested in using the potty, use common sense. This really isn't the moment to be potty training, and it's going to be a lot easier on both of you if you put it on hold, at least for a short time.

If you've already told the doting grandparents or your friends that your little darling is about to potty train, it can be difficult to then back out. The moral of the tale, of course, is to keep quiet about potty training until it's almost complete - don't tell everyone your 18-month-old is on the verge of being out of diapers because you'll only put pressure on yourselves to achieve the (unrealistic) target you're setting.

A halfway house

You may find that your child is ready, but not for the whole nine yards. She might be ready to stay dry through the day, for example, but is unwilling to use a potty or the toilet for bowel movements. This, in fact, is a very common phenomenon encountered by parents of toddlers - it happened to me with my eldest daughter. I don't know why I worried about it at the time. After all, a child who always makes sure she's got a diaper on before she takes a poop, isn't really being so very difficult.

Needless to say, the problem resolved itself within a few weeks - and that, to be honest, is the situation with almost all problems that are associated with potty training.

Try not to get wound up about toilet-training problems, even if they take you off guard just when you felt you'd got it beat. They're almost always short-term, and they're exacerbated by you getting upset about them.

Regressing to wet pants, even some time after potty training has successfully been completed, is a common problem. It is often associated with worries in a child's life, such as the arrival of a new sibling or moving to another house. So, too, is a refusal to sit on a toilet even when, in your opinion, your child is too old to be using a potty.

Staying dry at night

By the age of 3 years old, 9 out of 10 children are dry most days. But learning not to wet the bed at night often takes longer, and some 5-year-olds still wear diapers or "pull-ups" at night.

A night-time routine

It's often difficult to know when to make the break from night-time diapers or pull-ups - you don't want to try it too soon and risk undermining your child's confidence if there are accidents (not to mention the inconvenience for you, of course). On the other hand, you don't want to make your child dependent on diapers or pull-ups when she doesn't need to be.

Some parents swear that getting their child up to use the toilet, before they go to bed themselves, is a good way to ensure a dry bed.

I'm dubious about this method because it seems to me that if the child doesn't wake up, you're not teaching her anything. And if she does wake up, you could have a whole different set of problems! My motto is, let sleeping children lie.

Some children get confused if they're wearing underwear during the day but a diaper at night. If your child asks you whether she's wearing a diaper or not, it's time to at least try her without a diaper overnight.

Look for the signs that your child isn't wetting the diaper she's wearing overnight; try taking her to the toilet or potty the moment she wakes up and if you find the diaper is still dry, get her to use the toilet immediately.

Some parents worry that their child has enuresis long before a medical professional would make a diagnosis of that sort. In general, a child has to be having problems with bed wetting after the age of 5 or 6 before a pediatrician might check for urinary infection, diabetes, or abnormalities of the urinary tract. Try not to be too concerned, and don't let your child notice any anxiety on your part - it will only make it more difficult for her.